Who's Scruffy Lookin'?

Biggest Tool: Baseball PlayerDoug Glanville's saving roll against Todd Pratt

Ara's naming Jason Phillips the biggest tool in baseball was the opening salvo in the new Biggest Tools series here at The Tools of Ignorance. My rebuttal comes in the form of a competition between two noble Paladin warriors and denizers of the Ultima Universe. That's right: Todd Pratt and Doug Glanville are gamers. As in roll playing gamers.




Todd Pratt

In this mlb.com interview, Todd Pratt discusses Ian Stormbringer. From the interview:

Ian Stormbringer is my role-playing name that I created many years ago. I have been interested in role-playing since the '70s. I created the name as my first character in a game called Ultima Online. He's the same age as myself (35), same height (6-foot-3). He's human, but can change within the worlds he visits and is a cross-breed if needed. He is a Knight of the Church. Some may call him a Paladin (ultra-good fighter).

Doug Glanville

In this Jayson Stark article, Glanville explains that hit hit two home runs off Curt Schilling when Schilling negligently let Glanville's dwarven paladin Bingbong die while playing Everquest. If that wasn't toolsy enough, Glanville's bio on the University of Pennsylvania website discusses his academic prowess and his degree in Systems Engineering. When the Atlanta Braves built their new stadium, Glanville consulted on the parking lot and transportation design. That's actually not toolsy at all, but rather awesome. So, because Glanville is an uber-nerd and Pratt is merely a tool, Glanville's first level saving roll of 17 d20 on his Charisma (20-CHR) allows him to escape this debate unscathed.

National Holiday: Keith Jackson Shall No Longer Ruin My Life!

Keith Jackson has officially announced his retirement. Having only known this for a few minutes, I'm already so drunk with glee that all automobiles and heavy equipment should be kept away. Far, far away. Perhaps I should send him a retirement present? I don't know where he lives, so a flaming bag of dog feces is out of the question. Seriously, though, someone should put me under twenty-four hour supervision for the next few days. No telling what I may do in times like these.

Today, We Spell PIMP...

...V.A.S.I.L. Go get 'em, George.

More Stanley Cup Foibles:F. J. Selke Would Like To Tap That Ass!

Who was the ass man on the 1966-67 team? Here is Frank J. Selke. And here is his trophy, awarded annually to the forward who best excells in the defensive aspects of the game.

Lord Stanley's Cup Runneth Over For Lil' John

Getting crunk with the real cup. YEAH!

Dick Pound!

Dick Pound, Chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency. He's the man whose keeping me from hemoglobin heaven! I think blood doping should become a new goth club drug. Or it should be cool within a subculture other than cycling. Note the beatiffic halo surrounding dear Dick Pound. I just can't stop saying his name. This could be more enthralling than the Offical Randy Choate Last Name Pronuciation Game^TM. Cho-A-tay. ch-OAT. CHO-WAH-TAY!

(S+C) x (B+F)/T = V:Exactly How Much Junk Should Be In Your Trunk? The Mathletes Weigh In!

(S+C) x (B+F)/T = V is the formula that describes the "ideal female ass" in shape, bounce, firmness and symmetry, according to psychology lecturer David Holmes of Manchester Metropolitan University in England [via BoingBoing]:

S is the overall shape or droopiness of the bottom, C represents how spherical the buttocks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, while F records the firmness. V is the hip to waist ratio, or symmetry of the bottom, and T measures the skin texture and presence of cellulite.

Thompson Not Retarded Anymore!Finds RBI reenactment of Game Six of the 1986 World Series

This is my first world series memory. I have to admit to being a couple years too young to remember the Padres road to glory holes--well, atleast for Garvey--and near miss against Gibson, Sparky, and the 1984 Detriot Tigers. But I remember the Buckner game. It is my first incomprehensible sports moment. I do not think most people who watched the game really understood what had happened when the ball skipped through Buckner's legs.






And now, for the first time, you can see this watershed moment in American Baseball reenacted with the enhanced graphic engine of the Nintendo Entertainment System and their mind-blowing baseball simulator, RBI Baseball. With the technological advances of 8-bit video game technology, Game Six of the 1986 World Series comes to life like it never has before. Come celebrate with Mookie and the gang, or hang your head with Billy, Rich, Bruce, Wade, and the rest of the hapless '86 Sox. Does this game set the record for most cocaine consumed during the post game celebration? Daryl, Doc, Vince, Mookie, and, well, it was the '80s, so someone on the Sox HAD to be doing blow. Gedman, I'm looking in your direction, but I'm thinking about Spike Owen. Or Hendu.

Matthew Thompson Is Retarded

In case you weren't paying attention, I have not been posting as much as I'd like of late. Or at all really. My apologies. I've contracted "mental retardation," which my doctor tells me is quite serious, involving a gradual slowing of my cognitive capabilities. I'm pretty sure I can take some medication for it or have some sort of special surgery. When I get everything checked out, I'll be back in no time. Until then, you'll just have to get some Ara time in. I know it stings at first, but trust me, it gets better. I've been doing it for years.

Mike Krzyzewski, Prince of Darkness

Is this the source of your secret power, Coach K? When the baby marrow hits your lips, and the warm blood flows, and the squeels jump to a high pitch whine, who has time to think about bounce passes or zone defenses. Or boxing out during foul shots in close games in the tournament. Especially that. Too much delicious children to go around to pay attention to details like that. Hats off to LSU, but Duke got out-coached.

Found Poetry: Outside Deitch Projects, New York

A new semi-regular post here on The Tools of Ignorance will be our found poetry series. Reproduced for you, the found poetry afficionado, to reveal the depth of those who scribble on scraps of paper or other objects and leave them for me to find. All grammatical mistakes, misspellings, and creative uses of punctuation are courtesy of the artist. This one was found outside an opening at Deitch Projects in Soho, where some outsider artist had stenciled dollar signs on a pile of trash bags awaiting pick-up.

So this is the sit of a century-the bolts of my feet have worn down to post-modern metal. You know what? I feel as if these moments are dear yet disabling at the moment. And I wonder when things willy truly change for me. A mass of money bags rests behind me, and yet they are filled w/ trash. I think this represents what many consider to be the end all be all of material value. So at the moment-can I try to become someone of greater value or should I strive to become someone of great representation. Another words-looks are decieving within happiness and within material understanding. I become excited for reasons of progression. Reasons of possible losses of fear. I EAT Food.

Tumblin' Daisuke

Here's an interesting article on the so-called gyroball, a new pitch invented by Japanese scientists. It is the stuff of legend, with a miracle break and drive-killing spin. Better still, it was conceived with ideal pitching mechanics in mind, making it much easier on the arm than a slider or split finger fastball. If ever perfected, it could revolutionize the game. From the Yahoo article:

The concept of the gyroball was perfected in a supercomputer by two Japanese scientists named Ryutaro Himeno and Kazushi Tezuka. In simulations, they showed how a pitcher with good mechanics could throw the baseball in a way that it spun like a bullet – or, in sporting sense, like a perfect football spiral – and broke like nothing anyone has ever seen.

Roughly translated, the title of their book is "The Secret of the Miracle Pitch," and it's loaded with anime cartoons and mathematical formulas that attempt to explain how to throw a gyroball.

Here is a somewhat disputed video of Daisuke Matsuzaka letting go of what appears to be a gyroball.

Kirby, We Hardly Knew Yee

Let's all raise a toast to Kirby. In an era of pudgy, toolsy outfielders who could rake singles in their sleep, Kirby stood out for the genuine hustle and joy with which he approached the game. Gwynn might have won more batting titles and Raines stole more bases and had more longevity, but, as Patrick Roy might say, he can't hear you with his two World Series rings plugging his ears. He brought more hope to chubby kids with goofy names than Rusty Staub or Cecil Fielder could have ever imagined. He gave Don Mattingly the nickname "Donnie Baseball." And, most tellingly, as Dave Winfield said, he is the only player in the history of the game to be truly and universally liked by his peers. Good night, sweet fat prince.

Hook 'Em, But Not Like That...

Texas guard Daniel Gibson with a ball fake all his own. I think Bevo is crying in the corner.

1984: The Year Punky Broke

While Henry Cotto notched a hit in his only official postseason at-bat, Henry Warnimont, ably played by George Gaynes, took his pseudo-adopted new wave transient hobo daughter Punky to the 1984 National League Championship Series. Later in the series, Punky's real father hits a walk-off home run against Lee Smith to force a fifth game. Watch the entire episode here.

The Wild, the Innocent, and the Ickey Shuffle

On Nov. 18, 1973, after catching a touchdown pass thrown by Len Dawson in a 38-14 win over the Houston Oilers, Elmo Wright of the Kansas City Chiefs ran in place, frantically pumping his knees and his arms, stopping just long enough to spike the football. The modern touchdown celebration was born. The following season, a young rookie for the Houston Oilers delighted fans with his "Funky Chicken" end zone dance. While only nine years before New York Giants receiver Homer Jones delivered the league's first spike, Billy "White Shoes" Johnson made the recognizable, exuberant expression de rigeur for playmakers.



From Gerald Wilhite's flips to Ernest Givins implacably smooth electric slide, Billy Johnson's influence stretches through the present. By 1988, Elbert L. "Ickey" Woods and his eponymous shuffle became a nationwide craze, mimicked even by Darrel Waltrip after winning the 1989 Daytona 500. The shuffle has even been incorporated into a now standard conditioning exercise. The popularity of the celebratory dance sparked a renewed interest and, consequently, derision for the spectacle.



In 1984, largely because of the choreographed routines of the Washington Redskins' so-called Fun Bunch, the NFL rules committee wrote an excessive celebration amendment. This measure tolerated little more than a simple spike. Then, in 1991, commissioner Paul Tagliabue amended the amendment, relaxing it to target only "The use of baiting or taunting acts or words that engender ill will between teams." But in 1999, led by the efforts of Dennis Green, the rules committee co-chairman, the NFL banned group celebrations. Green said "youthful exuberance" is acceptable, but he added that celebrations or actions that incite the opposition cannot be tolerated.



"How about a ten-year-old doing the 'Icky Shuffle' [sic] if he won a spelling bee?" asks Dr. Jim Taylor in his lighthearted missive Your Children are Under Attack. Although a number of other studies like this one do not cite the Ickey Shuffle as the single greatest threat to America's youth, it seems that the same staid conversations about proper conduct and proper expression recycle themselves every time Terrell Owens pulls a Sharpie from his sock, Joe Horn pulls a cell phone from the uprights, or Chad Johnson pulls out his putter and lines up a thirty-five foot eagle putt.

Wonderlic My Balls!

ESPN has posted an excerpt from the Wonderlic test, given to all players entering the NFL draft to assess their general intelligence. It also proves, beyond any reasonable doubt, that I am smarter than Vince Young. According to ESPN:

E.F. "Al" Wonderlic invented the test as a Northwestern grad student in the psychology department in the 1930s. The test was first given to potential NFL draft picks by a handful of teams in 1970, and it quickly became a popular combine tool because, like everything else at the predraft workout, it put a number on performance, and it did it quickly.

Some teams consider the test results critical. Others say they dismiss the results, except for players who score at the extremes. What's an extreme? Well, former Bengals punter and Harvard grad Pat McInally scored a perfect 50 -- the only NFL player known to do so -- while at least one player, it is rumored, scored a 1.


Each year, about 2.5 million job applicants, in every line of work, take the Wonderlic. The average NFL combiner scores about the same as the average applicant for any other job, a 21. A 20 indicates the test-taker has an IQ of 100, which is average.

New Trends in Green Building: The Endor Aesthetic

These prefab villages conceived by Studio Force4 are surprisingly reminiscent of Ewok architecture. Apparently, these structures can be installed in oak, alders, willows and poplars that are planted on toxic soil, and which gradually purify the tainted ground.

National Archives Footage from Google Video

103 historic films from the US National Archives were just indexed by Google Video. While the Apollo moon landing footage has been linked elsewhere, the heart and soul of the National Archives are WWII newsreels and the standard classroom propaghanda pieces like these, produced by the Ministry of the Interior.



Rebuilding Indian Country, 1933

Children of the City, 1970