National Holiday: Keith Jackson Shall No Longer Ruin My Life!

Keith Jackson has officially announced his retirement. Having only known this for a few minutes, I'm already so drunk with glee that all automobiles and heavy equipment should be kept away. Far, far away. Perhaps I should send him a retirement present? I don't know where he lives, so a flaming bag of dog feces is out of the question. Seriously, though, someone should put me under twenty-four hour supervision for the next few days. No telling what I may do in times like these.

Today, We Spell PIMP...

...V.A.S.I.L. Go get 'em, George.

More Stanley Cup Foibles:F. J. Selke Would Like To Tap That Ass!

Who was the ass man on the 1966-67 team? Here is Frank J. Selke. And here is his trophy, awarded annually to the forward who best excells in the defensive aspects of the game.

Lord Stanley's Cup Runneth Over For Lil' John

Getting crunk with the real cup. YEAH!

Dick Pound!

Dick Pound, Chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency. He's the man whose keeping me from hemoglobin heaven! I think blood doping should become a new goth club drug. Or it should be cool within a subculture other than cycling. Note the beatiffic halo surrounding dear Dick Pound. I just can't stop saying his name. This could be more enthralling than the Offical Randy Choate Last Name Pronuciation Game^TM. Cho-A-tay. ch-OAT. CHO-WAH-TAY!

(S+C) x (B+F)/T = V:Exactly How Much Junk Should Be In Your Trunk? The Mathletes Weigh In!

(S+C) x (B+F)/T = V is the formula that describes the "ideal female ass" in shape, bounce, firmness and symmetry, according to psychology lecturer David Holmes of Manchester Metropolitan University in England [via BoingBoing]:

S is the overall shape or droopiness of the bottom, C represents how spherical the buttocks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, while F records the firmness. V is the hip to waist ratio, or symmetry of the bottom, and T measures the skin texture and presence of cellulite.

Thompson Not Retarded Anymore!Finds RBI reenactment of Game Six of the 1986 World Series

This is my first world series memory. I have to admit to being a couple years too young to remember the Padres road to glory holes--well, atleast for Garvey--and near miss against Gibson, Sparky, and the 1984 Detriot Tigers. But I remember the Buckner game. It is my first incomprehensible sports moment. I do not think most people who watched the game really understood what had happened when the ball skipped through Buckner's legs.






And now, for the first time, you can see this watershed moment in American Baseball reenacted with the enhanced graphic engine of the Nintendo Entertainment System and their mind-blowing baseball simulator, RBI Baseball. With the technological advances of 8-bit video game technology, Game Six of the 1986 World Series comes to life like it never has before. Come celebrate with Mookie and the gang, or hang your head with Billy, Rich, Bruce, Wade, and the rest of the hapless '86 Sox. Does this game set the record for most cocaine consumed during the post game celebration? Daryl, Doc, Vince, Mookie, and, well, it was the '80s, so someone on the Sox HAD to be doing blow. Gedman, I'm looking in your direction, but I'm thinking about Spike Owen. Or Hendu.

Matthew Thompson Is Retarded

In case you weren't paying attention, I have not been posting as much as I'd like of late. Or at all really. My apologies. I've contracted "mental retardation," which my doctor tells me is quite serious, involving a gradual slowing of my cognitive capabilities. I'm pretty sure I can take some medication for it or have some sort of special surgery. When I get everything checked out, I'll be back in no time. Until then, you'll just have to get some Ara time in. I know it stings at first, but trust me, it gets better. I've been doing it for years.